Restlessness Aimed

Peace, Fear, and Longing at the Thought of Him

Lately I have had a sort of fear and unsettled feeling in my stomach as I live, and move, and have my being in God. I have really began to see how blessed my life has been, how any valley that I could point to have been made high points, and how the mountains are as water pouring over the top of it’s intended vessel. So blessed have I been to this point that I have honestly wondered, “can this continue?” I can’t help but think of Job’s story and particularly his saying, ‘The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away.’ Also James’ mentioning of those who are rich, and how they ought to rejoice in their being made low, because just as the grass grows and withers the rich man will be made low.

Also lately I have been viewing everything in the context of the path that’s laid out for us. I have been kind struck by the notion of the narrow path, and how it is more likely to get more and more narrow than it is to widen. I have this tendency to think that I might soon ‘arrive,’ but I really don’t see this as being worthwhile thinking. Much truer (and biblically supported) is the notion that we will meet many more trials and rocky patches before ‘arriving.’ I’ll rephrase this in a really cheesy (and maybe more confusing) way: The ETA of rocky patches in our lives is unknown but is earlier that our ETA at ‘arrival.’ So in regards to the blessedness that has been upon my life, I am thankful; but as I look forward I can’t help but have fear. When looking back at what I can now see as blessings, I see times that I wouldn’t have called as such at the time; and so I know that blessings do not come without hardship. So there is a fear but not that makes one turn and run, but fear that forces one to get real and not mess around. The path is such that there isn’t much room for turning to the left or right, it is narrow for a reason. God’s blessings never cease to flow, His nature is such that they flow, all that God is is a blessing.

“About this time there came (if you call it so) another dream. But it was not like a dream, for I went into my chamber an hour after noon (none of my women being there) and without lying down, or even sitting down, walked straight into the vision by merely opening the door. I found myself standing on the bank of a bright and great river. And on the further bank I saw a flock of sheep, I thought. Then I considered them more closely, and I saw that they were all rams, high as horses, mightily honored, and their fleeces such bright gold that I could not look steadily at them. (THere was deep, blue sky above them, and the grass was a luminous green like emerald, and there was a pool of very dark shadow, clear-edged, under every tree. The air of that country was sweet as music.) “Now those,” thought I, “are the rams of the gods. If I could steal but one golden flock off their sides, I shall have beauty. Redival’s ringlets were nothing to that wool.” And in my vision I was able to do what I could not do at the Shennit; for I went into the cold water, up to my knee, up to my belly, up to my neck, and then lost the bottom and swam and found the bottom again and came up out of the river into the pastures of the gods. And I walked forward over that holy turf with a good and glad heart. But all the golden rams came at me. They drew closer to one another as their onrush brought the closer to me, till it was a solid wall of living gold. And with a terrible force their curled horns struck me and knocked me flat and their hoofs trampled me. They were not doing it in anger. They rushed me over in their joy – perhaps they did not see me – certainly I was nothing in their minds. I understood it well. They butted and trampled me because their gladness led them on; the Divine Nature wounds and perhaps destroys us merely by being what it is.” (Till We Have Faces; Lewis)

I love that line, ‘the Divine Nature wounds and perhaps destroys us merely by being what it is.’ I believe that a lot of what we call trials, is the blessing of God making himself known to us. On the narrow path there are times where we will be beat down, we cannot avoid these stretches, God is making himself known, this is the blessing; and it will continue, and we can welcome it with peace and fear. Fear because God is, and peace because God is good.

“Who is Aslan?” asked Susan.

“Aslan?” said Mr. Beaver. “Why, don’t you know? He’s the King. He’s the Lord of the whole wood, but not often here, you understand. Never in my time or my father’s time. But the word has reached us that he has come back. He is in Narnia at this moment. He’ll settle the White Queen all right. It is he, not you, that will save Mr. Tumnus.”

“She won’t turn him into stone too?” said Edmund

“Lord love you, Son of Adam, what a simple thing to say!” answered Mr. Beaver with a great laugh. “Turn him into stone? If she can stand on her two feet and look him in the face it’ll be the most she can do and more than I expect of her. No, no. He’ll put all to rights as it says in an old rhyme in these parts: Wrong will be right, when Aslan comes to sight, At the sound of his roar, sorrows will be no more, When he bares his teeth, winter meets its death, And when he shakes his mane, we shall have spring again. You’ll understand when you see him.”

“But shall we see him?” asked Susan.

“Why, Daughter of Eve, that’s what I brought you here for. I’m to lead you where you shall meet him,” said Mr. Beaver.

“Is – is he a man?” asked Lucy.

“Aslan a man!” said Mr. Beaver sternly. “Certainly not. I tell you he is the King of the wood and the son of the great Emperor-beyond-the-sea. Don’t you know who is the King of the Beasts? Aslan is a lion – the Lion, the great lion.”

“Ooh!” said Susan, “I’d thought he was a man. Is he – quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion.”

“That you will, dearie, and no mistake,” said Mrs. Beaver, “if there;s anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking they’re either brave or else just silly.”

“Then he isn’t safe?” said Lucy.

“Safe?” said Mr. Beaver; “don’t you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.”

“I’m longing to see him,” said Peter, “even if I do feel frightened when it comes to the point.”

(The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe; Lewis)

To Understand is Not More Wonderful Than To Love

I began writing about what is now becoming this post while riding with our family to my grandma’s house for Christmas. Shortly after writing my thoughts I began to read a book I have just recently started called, ‘Lilith,’ written by George MacDonald; and some quotes from the book really coincided with what I was thinking about. One of the the quotes is the title of this post: To understand is not more wonderful than to love.

 

This is what I wrote in the car:

 

Delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.

Common is the one who regards the desires of his heart.

These become a fuel for many.

Common is he who rises morning by morning in hopes that his desires might be fulfilled.

These shape our lives, the absence of that which we hope for moves us toward that, giving us direction.

What then becomes of him who is given that which he desires?

All this is just to say that by default, the thing that drives us and directs us through lives is our desires. This is not bad, so long as that which is desired is good and causes us to move in the direction of our true purpose, or telos.

 

William Cavanaugh has a book called, “Being Consumed: Economics and Christian Desire;”  in the first chapter he talks about freedom under the heading “Freedom and Unfreedom.” First he explains the ideology behind the ‘free-market’ (primarily based on books by Milton and Rose Friedman) while asking the question ‘when is a market free?’ saying, “all that matters for a market to be free is that individuals have real wants and can pursue them without the interference of others.” The market is designed to accommodate desire, no matter what the end of it is, and so long as desires are present the market rolls on; and we are free to seek after our desires and be driven by them.

 

Cavanaugh does not count this as being conducive to true freedom saying later on, “true freedom is not just following whatever desires we happen to have, but cultivating the right desires. This means that the internal movement of the will is not a sufficient condition for freedom; we must consider the end toward which the will is moved…In Augustine’s vision of the great chain of being, all things that exist are good, but only insofar as they participate in God, the source of their being and source of all good. To pursue the lower things on the chain for their own sake, to forget their source and their final end, is to sever the link that holds them in being, at which point they begin to slide back in the nothingness from which the creatio ex nihilo summoned them…To desire with no telos, no connection to the objective end of desire is to desire nothing and become nothing.”

 

 

Probably more than any time in my life, I feel like I am sojourning or on some sort of exodus, being driven onward by my longing for God. The longing for God, the source of all good, is from Him, and it moves me toward Him. The whole concept of ‘Restlessness Aimed’ is based on this. Because this longing drives us closer to God, I count it a good thing, and think it is meant to be present in us. The longing must be responded to, but I don’t think that it will ever be quelled because God is too glorious to be fully grasped and also too glorious to forego a constant attempt to grasp him.

 

God is the greatest desire to have, in fact He alone is worthy of ultimate desire. All the other desires that we have ought to fall under the ultimate desire. When I asked the question in the car, what becomes of him who is given that which he desires? I was thinking that if we were actually given what we desire, we would lose all of our direction, and our purpose; what would drive us? It is this question that leads me to believe that though God can be had, and gives Himself to us, He does not leave us without a capacity to have Him more and know him more. The longing for God is in us to lead us toward him, if we could satisfy this longing we would cease to move toward God. This is why I think this longing is a good and necessary thing; it’s from God to lead us to our true desire. After all do we not have eternity to behold more and more of God?

 

 

This is from ‘Lilith;’ we have the main character lost in a place he does not know and has never been, he is journeying to a destination that he is not certain of. As the sun is setting, a guide appears for him to follow:

 

As the air grew black and the winter closed swiftly around me, the fluttering fire blazed out more luminous, and arresting its flight, hovered waiting. So soon as I came under its radiance, it flew slowly on, lingering now and then above spots where the ground was rocky. Every time I looked up, it seemed to have grown larger, and at length gave me an attendant shadow. Plainly a bird-butterfly, it flew with a certain swallowy double. Its wings were very large, nearly square, and flashed all the colors of the rainbow. Wondering at their splendor, I became so absorbed in their beauty that I stumbled over a low rock, and lay stunned. When I came to myself, the creature was hovering over my head, radiating the whole chord of light, with multitudinous gradations and some kinds of color I had never before seen. I rose and went on, but, unable to take my eyes off the shining thing to look to my steps, I struck my foot against a stone. Fearing then another fall, I sat down to watch the little glory, and a great longing awoke in me to have it in my hand. To my unspeakable delight, it began to sink toward me. Slowly at first, then swiftly it sank, growing larger as it came nearer. I felt as if the treasure of the universe were giving itself to me – put out my hand and had it. But the instant I took it, it’s light went out; all was dark as pitch; a dead book with boards outspread lay cold and heavy in my hand. I threw it in the air – only to hear it fall among the heather. Burying my face in my hands, I sat in motionless misery.

 

 

I think this is such an accurate portrayal of what it is to place our hope and desire in something other than God. Our direction is immediately be moved from the right one and when we get what we get it we are left with no direction, motionless misery. Augustine explains his experience in Confessions, “I abandoned you to pursue the lowest things of your creation. I was dust going to dust.”

 

Delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.

 

The first part is the most important part in this proverb. The second part, needs to stay as the second part, or we will be as dust going to dust. We need to ask the Lord to make our number one desire to delight in Him.

 

Lastly, “to understand is not more wonderful than to love.” This little quote is also from ‘Lilith,’ I just think it is so cool. It is not uncommon for me to place all of my hope in my ability to understand God and his ways, but this is not what it is all about either. We will never understand God.* Fortunately it isn’t about this, it is about loving God. May God place in us the desire to love God; this is the foundation from which we can journey.

 

 

 

 

Separation in the Church

I have just been sitting reading Luther’s ‘Ninety-Five Theses,’ while in the same room my brother Garrett reads ‘Jesus of Nazareth’ written by Joseph Ratzinger, better known as Pope Benedict XVI. While we have been sharing passages from back and forth, and have both been impressed by the Pope. Coming from our protestant evangelical background we realized our certain bias towards the Catholics, and how vain it really is.

Garrett mentioned how it is so strange how we have sort of alienated the catholics. The amount of times that I have been asked, “Are you Christian, or a Catholic?” gives credence to a very present understanding among non-christians; one that pins catholics separately than the rest of church. Clearly, when the world looks at the Church it sees that there are catholics, and non-catholics; this understanding is nothing less than the fruit of behavior (or, lack there of) toward one another. We’ve allowed a schism that is so notable to be called the ‘great schism’, to persist for 500 years to the point that we consider ourselves to be completely separate from one another, and now the world sees Christ’s Church – which is meant for oneness – as another case of divorce.

What is it that the Catholic Church has done that has made this distinction so prevalent? This was the first question come to mind, but I ought to ask at the same time, What has the rest of the Church done to make this distinction so prevalent?

I think maybe the most notable reason that has led so many in the Church to disregard the catholics and cut them off as if they’re not Christian or something, is that the Catholic Church has never been willing to ignore their past, and are willingly to associate with it. While the Protestant Church has always been able to feel no guilt about splitting and starting new, with a clean slate to hold high. I think aside from the damage this has done to the relationship between groups of Christians who bear different names, this willingness to severe ourselves from the past has done a lot of damage to the self-understand of the Church. It is dang near impossible for us to understand the many passages about oneness, because to do so would require a serious repentance of the way we have tolerated schism and contention and allowed it to shape us.

I find it so crucial to see myself in the midst of God’s glorious history of salvation, and count it such a blessing to be included in the vehicle which he does it through, His Church. To realize that we are in the same history as so many who have come before us, (St. Patrick, St. Francis, Mother Teresa and others so many others) who honestly sought the Lord in obedience and willingness, helps so much in my understanding of who I am, what I am a part of, and what I am meant for in Christ.

There is a lot to be gained with a willingness to be associated with the past, despite its ugliness. The Lord established one Church, and in the end there will be one Church. The catholics give witness to this, in the way that they are unwilling to see themselves as separate from the historic Church. And it is largely this loyalty to God’s Church, that has lead to their being judged by their failings of their descendants, but let us not forget that it is in the failings that God’s goodness is revealed. He was willing to be associated with us, and to be joined with us. Let us then, be willing as he was, to associate with each other, in whatever nuance or contention; after all we were enemies with God when Jesus came to us.

Garrett writes about the book he was reading here: http://continuedinklings.wordpress.com/2010/12/18/learning-to-read-with-the-pope/

Trusting God Enough to Believe That Presently His Will is Being Done

My son, forget not my law; but let thine heart keep my commandments: For length of days, and long life, and peace, shall they add to thee. Let not mercy and truth forsake thee: bind them about thy neck; write them upon the table of thine heart: So shalt thou find favour and good understanding in the sight of God and man. Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

-Proverbs 3.1-7

Trusting God is something that we ought to do. I really want to trust God, I think I do, maybe. Actually I guess it is hard to know if I do or not, how might one know?

 

I think often times we are able to understand what it means to trust God in uncertain circumstances, or turbulent times; we are able to look forward and picture what it might look like to trust God. But, I find it more difficult to know what trusting God looks like in my present.

 

I am alright at trusting God for my future, and I have no trouble looking on my past and seeing that God has directed me and ordered my path; but I struggle with being content with my present. It is really important to be able to recognize that we are in midst of what God is doing right now, presently we are in the will of God.

 

As we believe that God is sovereign, and that He is the creator, sustainer, and director of all things; we need to also believe that for ourselves in our present situation. It is good to seek the Lord for direction and for His will to be done in us, but it ought to be done out of a trust that He has been doing that from the beginning of our coming to being all the way up to the time that we are presently seeking Him.

 

Sometimes I pray, ‘Lord God, show me your will, increase my faith, that I might do what you want me to do…’ and I’ll go in this way under the impression that if God where to grant this prayer things would drastically change. But then, it’s like, well, God is God, He always has been and always will be, and as I look back on my life I see that He has always been God of my life, and as I look forward and I have great hopes and certainty that His will will be done; so, right now too, it is being done, His will is presently being done in my life. I want to trust Him enough to believe that even now, His will is being done. To associate this time now as being a part of the past where I know God has been, and also associate it with the future where I know that God will be.